Jeffrey Mayer/Getty Images; Jeff Vespa/Getty ImagesDear Ted:
Just wondering what happened with Dorrell Sausage getting a girl pregnant? Did she have the baby?
—Patti
Dear Stork Watch :
A Palin family relative she's not. No.
Dear Ted:
Why are you so reminiscent on the so-called "good old days" with Jen and Brad? I always thought that something was off about that coupling. Since when does the talented A-list movie star really fall for the one-act sitcom star? C'mon Ted, you taught me that!
—Vgualey
Dear Smarty Pants:
But you must admit, there was something rather comforting about the prospect. No?
Dear Ted:
You're a biphobic prick. Asking whether bisexuals exist is like asking if biracial people exist. This is insulting, degrading and this poll is based in hate and misinformation. If bisexual people do not exist, then how am I alive? Last time I checked, I am a bisexual man. I personally think that E! Online should remove this poll from their website.
—Matt
Dear Raging Bull:
Lighten up. You'd be surprised at all the folks who don't think it exists. It was a simple question, so now I know your answer. Thanks.
Dear Ted:
Is Finnegan Furrow-Brow from One Vaccination-Required Blind Vice Gerard Butler?
—J
Dear Furrow Funk:
FFB is younger. Think less Scot and mucho more American.
Dear Ted:
I, too, am tired of the Toothy Tile game...but just out of curiosity, how many people have sent you an email correctly identifying him?
—SanFriskyBabe
Dear Ticking Tile:
A few.
Dear Ted:
I am shocked at the haters who have been emailing you. Hang in there, buddy. I have always loved your column. And you seem like a nice person, too. I think you're being targeted as part of an organized campaign to spam liberal-leaning blogs and websites with pro-Republican comments. Take a look at this. A lot of the nasty comments coming your way are just horrific. Stay strong, Ted. Your old fans still love you. Something weird is going on.
—Billie
Dear Old Faithful:
Thanks darlin'. It's the haters, along with the lovers, that keep this job interesting.
Dear Ted:
Do you think Brad and Angelina are planning to run for office?
—Amy
Dear Political Conspiracy:
No, they're after something much bigger: world domination.
Dear Ted:
Is Desk Donkey likening McCain to Dr. Frankenstein or Frankenstein's monster? Because if John McCain is Dr. Frankenstein, then surely, Sarah Palin is his monster!
—Haiku
Dear Cute Costumes:
Well, I guess we know what John and Sare should be for Halloween! Unless she goes as Tina Fey again.
Dear Ted:
Why are so many movie stars gay? Is there something in the Hollywood water?
—Footy File, Los Angeles
Dear Dasani Doll:
Yeah, it's called DNA.
Dear Ted:
Is Finnegan Furrow-Brow Daniel Radcliffe?
—Yolkanav
Dear Barely Potter:
Not even close, doll-sweets! Right age, totally wrong bod 'n' look, though.
Dear Ted:
Saw a picture of RDJ on the set of Sherlock Holmes, and he looks tweaky in the eyes. I hope not. What's your take, Ted, has our Robbie really rehabbed?
—Jane
Dear Poor Guy:
Dude's just dealing with Guy during the Madge aftermath. We have faith in Robbie's recovery.
Dear Ted:
Why are so many women in Hollywood content to be beards for these guys that won't come out of the closet? What's in it for them?
—Lisa
Dear Hairy Sitch:
Hon, haven't you heard? Fame gets you nowhere anymore. It's all about infamy, now, that's where the headlines are at. Totally.
Dear Ted:
Thank you, thank you, thank you for bringing us the situation about Ratchet the dog in Iraq. I signed the petition and sent it on. Love you, your column, your sense of humor and Margo, bless her. Keep up the excellent work.
—Corlett, Atlanta
Dear Dog Lover:
Thanks a lick.
Dear Ted:
I am bi with both a long-term boyfriend and girlfriend. He is het. She is lez. So I am one step away from what? Thanks, Ted, for being mainstream shallow.
—Janell
Dear Complicated:
That's one complicated set-up ya got there. So very Tilda Swinton. Good luck managing two relayshes at once!
Dear Ted:
I want to preface my question by saying that I absolutely love you, have been a loyal reader for years, and this is meant in the most loving way possible: Are you OK? You have seemed very angry in many of your posts lately
—Amy
Dear Concerned:
Better than ever, thanks for asking. Just bored with the BS, that's all, hon.
Dear Ted:
There is a huge difference between someone gay not being able to marry and someone black not being able to eat where they perform, I am so tired of the gay community trying to equate lynching, not being able to vote, white water fountains only. You have no idea what that is like as someone gay. I don't understand why you would want to anyway, I have done it twice—no big deal.
—Fayem
Dear Not Counting Queers:
Can't we all just agree that any antifreedom actions are wrong without rating them in order?
Dear Ted:
Watching the interaction between John McCain and Cindy McCain lately, it seems pretty stiff and forced. Makes one think it's only for show and no real love or intimate relationship exists. Looking at that debate where he ran off the stage before Cindy could even slowly get down the staircase by herself, I'd say he either doesn't care about his wife or he has no gentlemanly manners at all! Your view?
—Pearl
Dear McCain Coupling:
Both.
Dear Ted:
So how many more millions does Guy Ritchie get from Madonna for the acting job he did this summer—pretending nothing was wrong with their marriage—during A-Rod's divorce? Not exactly Oscar-worthy. No wonder he directs.
—Mo, Maryland
Dear Grimacing Guy:
He shouldn't keep his hopes up for a directing Oscar, either.
Dear Ted:
Madonna's announcement of her divorce seems to be something straight out of a movie. Why the big fanfare about it?
—Donna
Dear Like a Movie:
This is more dramatic—and tons more interesting—than any flick Madonna's done in a long time.
—Additional sass by Becky Bain