Dear Ted:
Is King Schlong Anderson Cooper?
—I
Dear Silver-Haired King:
Sorry, doll, Anderson may be the king of TV, but he's not King Schlong. Wrong line of work for Mr. S.
Dear Ted:
Your daily Bitch-Backs are one of the best parts of my morning! I do have one question. I am completely confused about Cruella St. Shackles now. I thought I knew who Cruella and Marky were until your last clue. Is Cruella Demi Moore? Or should I be thinking less brunette, more strawberry?
—Leslie
Dear Tied Down:
Demi is a Blind Vice, yes, but she's hardly Cruella. Hers is hardly as damaging.
Dear Ted:
Is Jake Gyllenhaal King Schlong and is Leonardo DiCaprio Toothy Tile?
—L
Dear Confident:
Trying to slip in two guesses there, huh? Leo ain't Toothy.
Dear Ted:
The last time you wrote a Bitch-Back about Jackie Bouffant, you said he was lingering in the hetero world. Has he recently gone back to banging guys? If he has, where does he find them because it seems he'd have to be very careful since he's not "out."
—Holla G
Dear Shocker:
You know what, so far I'm only hearing about the ladies. And he's keeping those females very under wraps, too.
Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile Kevin Costner? I am always so lost? How can I see the clues better? Love you.
—G
Dear Definitely Not:
You're way off there. Think younger. Love you right back, babe!
Dear Ted:
I am an avid reader of your blog. Love your take on the celebrity world. I was wondering if two of my favorite Vicers, Veronica Bee-Stings and Crescent Kumquat, happen to be friends?
—Courtney
Dear Degree of Separation:
They know each other, sure, but that's not saying much. Most people their age do. I wouldn't say they are good friends. Veronica and Crescent run in different circles, socially.
Dear Ted:
Is James Franco the infamous King Schlong? What a total package that would make!
—Bubbles
Dear Unwrapping the Truth:
It's not a bad guess, but James is far too eccentric to be K.S. Plus, he's a whole other Blind Vice repeater!
Dear Ted:
You said Chutney Jones likes her some bi boys. Are you saying Jerry Rock-Butt was bi too? If it is who I think it is, I thought people only called him gay as an ignorant insult and not because he was actually into guys. I'm shocked!
—AJ
Dear Bi-Curious:
Really, at this point, who hasn't dabbled a little in same-sex doings when you were younger? Saucy Bossy is most definitely bisexual. Jerry is straight but had his bi-curious moments.
Dear Ted:
Rough day, give me something yummy. Is Ryan Reynolds our infamous King Schlong? The thought makes me so happy.
—Dreamingaway
Dear On the Prowl:
Best guess of the batch, babe! They are equally as dreamy, no doubt. King is more respected, critically.
Dear Ted:
Was Chelsea Handler aware of 50 Cent's Vice while they were conducting their little dalliance?
–Beth
Dear Lips Zipped:
I'm sure. But as I've said many times before, they equally got what they wanted out of that "relationship." I doubt 50's Vice was a problem for our gal Chels. At all.
Dear Ted:
It seems like everyone has given up on Sheila Yabos, the buxom blonde who likes the ladies (and don't forget her "beautiful" hubby), but we gay guys and girls wanna know two things if you'd be so kind? When you said the hubby "wasn't important in the end," did you mean that he wasn't a deciding factor in the breakup or that he just doesn't register very highly on the Hollywood radar? Oh and does Sheila have kids? Please throw us a bone! This would be my first question answered.
—Xtremeboi
Dear Playing Nice:
Shelia wanted to be free, period. And yes, she has kids.