Bitch-Back War! Twi-Hards vs. Twi Haters

Readers duke it out for the sake of all that is Twilight!

Dear Ted:
I know us regs (and by that I mean those of us who have known you gives good dish since before there were such things as blolums, and not the twerps who think posting 200 comments per day since you started covering the Twi craze earns them that title) have been leaning hard on you to corral the bobby-soxers, and I'm sure you don't appreciate having demands placed on you. However, all we're asking could be accomplished by simply introducing a "Twilight Talk" post as an infinitely more inane complement to the "Bitch-Back!" From there, I think we regs can handle directing the commenting kiddos who stray back to their Twi space. Is that too much to ask? Or are you secretly thankful to the obsessive prepubescents for having overrun the place, because that seems to have finally chased away your own bitter stalker freak, waiting4godot? I wouldn't put it past you, you sly devil. Sure, R.Pattz is cute, but give me a tumble with T.Cas any day.
—Oracle

Dear O-Baby:
Yes, but that would mean I have to minimize my tumble-centric interest in Twilight too, darling! Unfair, methinks. But I cast the vote to the rest of you all: Is that what the majority really wants?

Dear Ted:
What's your take on Brad Pitt's interview with Parade where he states that losing Angie and the kids is what keeps him up at night? Being a parent myself, I know what he meant; however, how devastated do you think he'll be when Angie decides he's not her soul mate and moves on? Do you think she'll let him down easy or make an icy clean break? Just curious. Karma ain't kind. Brad should know this.
—Mel

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Smith:
Poor papa Pitt was manhandled by that adorable lunatic Jen Aniston and came out fine. Now by Queen Jolie's hand, whatever happens I know he'll be able to bounce back.

Dear Ted:
I never really cared much for Taylor Lautner until the big ordeal where they were potentially going to recast him, which made me feel pretty bad for the kid. But my initial dislike for him has returned with his larger presence in the media. How to say this...Taylor is a cookie-cutter Hollywood product, overprocessed in image and speech. He has progressively altered himself to mimic Robert—pea coat, plaid, Ray Bans, hair. Everything he says sounds like his publicist just handed him some cue cards. His acting isn't even that great either. Honestly, he just really pisses me off. Is this boy genuine or am I correct in this completely artificial image and persona he has created?
—Tara

Dear PR Product:
Since Rob and Kristen won't let anyone—and I mean anyone—handle them in that oh-so-predictable Hollywood way, the Twilight franchise had to find somebody to be the friendly publicity face, right?

Dear Ted:
Do you think Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer's relationship could affect how True Blood is written in the future? I think they're a great couple, but I'm really bored with their onscreen relationship, and I'm hoping the writers and Alan Ball won't try to keep them together just because fans like them together offscreen. I need more Alexander Skarsgård on the show and don't want his part to suffer as a result! By the way, love that you use your blolumn to get the word out on shelter and rescue animals. I have a shelter dog and two cats myself. They're the best!
—Heather

Dear Bloody Good:
I'm hearing that despite how the books turn out, series creator Ball was warning fans that the show might not end up exactly like the written Sookie gospel. Funny how he makes that announcement a few short weeks before the PaqMo announcement. And bless you for being a shelter saint.

Dear Ted:
I applaud you for calling Elisabeth Hasselbeck the dumbest person on TV. Of course, you got jumped by the mad dogs who love her 'cause they are more dumb then her since she lies for political reason and a pay check. The dumb people who represent a big part of America always express themselves by wanting to kill you or by jumping off a building. Wanting to exterminate via violence is a big part of their ideology as a solution. E.H. reminds me of the fervent blond women disciple of Hitler. She is a disgrace to women. So thanks for calling her what she is: an ignorant dumbass.
—Ornetari

Dear Claws Are Out:
I'm not even gonna touch this, dear. I'll let the other commenters eat you out on this one.

Dear Ted:
If Angelina and Madonna got into a verbal and then physical altercation, who would win?
—Sarah

Dear Battle of the Bitches:
Angelina would win physically, obvs. As for verbal, Madonna's got many more years of experience and knowledge to hold over Jolie in a mouth-to-mouth round of hard-core sparring.

Dear Charlie Casablanca:
Thanks for your dogged dissertation about the rough situation facing animal shelters. It's time someone shed serious light on the issue. We need to convince these Swarovski-studded high breeds (the human ones) to stop supporting retail pet shops. Don't they get they are feeding into a business that fosters cruelty and abuse? Gag us with a rawhide! Here are a few ways people can help: (1) spay and neuter, (2) urge politicians to abolish puppy mills, and (3) support your local shelter by donating or volunteering. Lots of wags.
—The M Girls
(P.S. Your dad, Ted, is quite fetching. We like his Robsten updates almost as much as your canine communiqués. You're one lucky SOB.)

Dear Heavenly Creatures:
A big woof back to you! Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous.

Dear Ted:
The bulk of posters are not getting it again. On the R.Pattz photographed thread, they are missing the meat of the article: that paps actually got a pic! Now tell me, how would they know to be there at the precise time Mr. P was driving down that road? Some people refuse to see what's in front of them. Can you tell me, is this another 3P of him diverting attention, or is this just a shot of where he was? That is my question. Either way, it's all good, baby! Keep going, Ted, keep going! BTW, love your new dog. We have a beagle-basset mix and we just love him. His name is Ozzie, and yes, we bought him a rubber bat to play with.
—Jennifer

Dear Rigged Rob:
Trust by now that the paps are anywhere and everywhere at the exact right moment. No conspiracy here. As for what Rob's intentions were, can't it be both? A little fun with K.Stew and a little confusion for K.You?

Dear Ted:
Am I crazy or are George Clooney's girls getting skankier each year? A friend of mine in Europe says the new one is known for her nude photos, being passed around soccer players and really bad porno. Will his people start telling the press she's sweet to protect the gentleman George facade they've crafted?
—Shu

Dear Cloonster:
Nope, not crazy. They certainly do get skankier (and hotter) every year...except Teri Hatcher. Gorge, but not that gorge.

Dear Ted:
Marie Osmond is pro gay marriage, which is a huge deal if you are a devoted Mormon. She deserves some props for going against her religion and saying she favors equal rights. Not all Mormons are against gay marriage.
—Jessica

Dear Miss on Marie:
Fine. Props. Done with Marie.

Dear Ted:
So what do you think about the recent allegations that Stephenie Meyer stole Breaking Dawn? Do we know much about her side of it? I saw the article about all the things they are claiming she stole from the girl, but has she (or her people) said anything about those accusations? What do you think? Did she do it?
—Allsmiles

Dear Megahit Meyer:
Darling, do you know how many suits like this get scrapped every year? Allegations like this are nothing new, babe—they'll pass soon enough.

Dear Ted:
Maybe I'm a little slow, but it just now occurred to me that Summit has made time concessions for other Twilight castmembers in the past. The big Twilight fight at the end of the movie was shot first because Cam had another project; Jackson is not in Vancouver like the rest of the cast yet, and I heard he is on tour. But they couldn't give Rachelle 10 days? Something else must have happened to piss Summit off. Do you know what it is?
—Sally

Dear Sherlock!
Ah! Now you're getting somewhere...

Dear Ted:
I second the motion for dual columns—an Awful Truth column and an Awful Twi-hard column. I adore you, but it's gonna be years before this teen vampire mania is over, and I'm so bored with it already. Sorry for the whining, but I miss you!
—Pamela

Dear All Awful:
Can't we wait for the Twilight ban until after Eclipse is done shooting? It's gonna be dee-lish! And I don't mean on-camera.

Dear Ted:
I agree with the email about Megan Fox playing vampire Bella in Breaking Dawn. Bella is supposed to transform into this gorgeous supermodel girl from an ordinary-looking girl. Kristen is pretty, but Megan Fox playing Bella in Breaking Dawn will set the screen on fire. Megan and Rob? You know that will be hot!
—Kendra

Dear Thermometer:
Hot? Absolutely. Bound to cause some major Twi drama? Absolutely squared.

Dear Ted:
Why are you being so mean to poor Jennifer Garner? Did she run over your poodle? Jennifer is sweet and adorable, not to mention talented, a great mother and one of Hollywood's most beautiful women. Shame on you for spreading such lies!
—Jennarink

Dear Have You Met Her?
Well, duh, that's what she wants you to believe in every media outlet she can get her hands on! Tell me, dearest, do you know any great stories about her, personally?

Dear Ted:
Is it true? According to the Herald Sun, Kristen dumped Robert because of his so-called "fling" with Emilie de Ravin on and off the set of Remember Me. Please comment. You're so funny and entertaining, especially Truth, Lies & Ted. Loved the eating binge you went on: hiding doughnuts in the ceiling?! My stomach hurt from so much laughing. I actually lost some weight. Could I follow you around some day?
—LTYoung

Dear Herald for Hypocrisy:
Thanks, but why? To steal my doughnuts? And as to the first query, gee, I just don't read dirt that isn't true.

Dear Ted:
You guys keep saying Bryce Dallas Howard has the most cred, but I don't think that's true. Kristen Stewart has been in 10 times as many movies. I was wondering if that may also be a reason for her not liking the press. If you've been in a ton of movies and are just now getting attention, wouldn't you be pissed too, or at least not feel the need to answer every question that you're asked?
—Supergirl

Dear BDH Bombshell:
Kristen's been in plenty of flicks, but Bryce is a Hollywood sweetheart through and through, all the way up to her megastar director daddy, Ron. But I actually do think Kristen has the better acting edge, that much is true.

Dear Ted:
So these "new" naked pics of Vanessa Hudgens hit the Internet a mere two days before her new (and lame-lookin') film Bandslam hits theaters. Her reps are saying the pics are old and that she's learned her lesson. Any chance that evil Summit caused the leak to generate buzz for the new film? I hope they wouldn't pimp out a young woman like this, but given their recent crap-tastic ventures, I wouldn't put it past them!
—Skeptical of Summit

Dear Naked Ammunition:
I don't entirely suspect foul play from Summit on this one, but I def do from V's "hardworking" reps. Good detective work, doll.

Dear Ted:
I'm not sure if you have answered this, but is James Franco Nevis Divine?
—Jennifer

Dear Franco-furter:
Yes and no. Guess which answer is to which question.