We don't mean to come down on one of this country's most iconic menu items and we are never above stuffing our face with a giant, juicy burger. But even we have to agree that these nine burgers from American establishments are basically edible heart attacks.
Eat This, Not That! magazine published a report on the unhealthiest burgers in the country, and after lots of research that we can only assume had to end with editors getting a colon cleanse and going on a two-week salt detox, we have our winners.
Is "winners" the right word to use here?
Below is the list of the worst burgers you can put into your body from fast food and sit-down restaurants across this great nation. We've also included the descriptions, but just reading them will actually make you bloat a little bit, so tread carefully. And almost every burger has a completely ridiculous, unnecessary item added to it, so we had to call them out for it, too. Even though freedom in the USA means putting whatever the hell you want on your burger, some of these are just straight-up bonkers:
1. Hardee's and Carl's Jr. 1/2 Lb. Thickburger El Diablo
What is it? It's a 1/2 pound burger "with jalapeno poppers, pepper-jack cheese, habanero sauce, bacon, sliced jalapeños, 100% Black Angus Beef Patty on a Fresh Baked Bun."
What's the damage? 1,380 calories, 92 g fat (31 g saturated fat), 3,830 mg sodium, 84 g carbohydrates
Unnecessary item: Jalapeno poppers
2. Steak 'n Shake's 7x7 Steakburger
What is it? "It's 7 Steakburgers and 7 slices of American cheese- a one pounder!"
What's the damage? 1,330 calories, 98 g fat (45 g saturated fat, 3.5 g trans fat), 4,490 sodium, 34 g carbohydrates
Unnecessary item: The 6 extra beef patties and slices of cheese
3. Ruby Tuesday's Portabella Crispy Onion Pretzel Cheeseburger
What is it? "A delicious duo of portabella mushrooms and Swiss. Served with chipotle mayonnaise and crisp onion straws."
What's the damage? 1,659 calories, 95 g fat, 3,086 sodium, 130 g carbohydrates
Unnecessary item: Onion straws
4. The Carousel Foods Oreo Burger
What is it? A monstrosity from the Florida (duh) State Fair, the burger patty is "fried on the griddle then dredged through Oreo cookie batter and deep fried. Add bacon, glaze and crumbled Oreos."
What's the damage? 3,047 calories, 212 g fat (64 g saturated fat, .2 g trans fat), 2,179 sodium, 226 g carbohydrates (estimated)
Unnecessary item: We would say bacon, but bacon is never unnecessary, so the extra Oreo crumbles are probably not needed.
5. McDonald's Bacon and Cheese Sirloin Third Pound Burger
What is it? "One-third pound burger made with 100% North American sourced sirloin. Freshly prepared with savory bacon, crispy red onions, pickles and melted white cheddar** plus ketchup and mustard atop our premium bun."
What's the damage? 810 calories, 41 g fat (18 g saturated fat, 2 g trans fat), 2,060 sodium, 65 g carbohydrates
Unnecessary item: The weight of the hamburger patty.
6. Wayback Burgers Triple Triple Burger
What is it? Nine patties and nine slices of cheese stuffed between two buns.
What's the damage? 1,780 calories, 108 g fat (42 g saturated fat), 700 mg sodium, 30 g carbohydrates
Unnecessary item: The extra 8 beef patties and cheese slices.
7. Denny's Double Cheeseburger
What is it? It's exactly as it sounds: "Your choice of American, Swiss or Cheddar cheese tops two hand-pressed beef patties. Served with lettuce, tomato, red onions and pickles."
What's the damage? 1,120 calories, 67 g fat (32 g saturated fat, 4 g trans fat), 2,150 sodium, 49 g carbohydrates
Unnecessary item: The extra beef patty.
8. Chili's Big Mouth Bites
What is it? Small but mighty. "4 mini burgers with applewood smoked bacon, American cheese, sauteed onions & house-made ranch."
What's the damage? 1,560 calories, 83 g fat (25 g saturated fat, 2 g trans fat), 4,520 sodium, 144 g carbohydrates
Unnecessary item: The ranch sauce.
9. Burger King Triple Whopper Sandwich
What is it? "Three 1/4 pound savory flame-grilled beef patties topped with juicy tomatoes, fresh lettuce, creamy mayonnaise, ketchup, crunchy pickles, and sliced white onions on a soft sesame seed bun.
What's the damage? 1,160 calories, 75 g fat (27 g saturated fat, 4 g trans fat), 1,050 mg sodium, 50 g carbohydrates
Unnecessary item: The two extra patties and definitely that mayo.
So, hey, if you're on your deathbed and you want to go out with a killer last meal, we suggest mashing all these burgers together to make a super-mega-king-king burger! Goodnight and good luck.