Blind Vice: Toothy Trading Coke for Cracking Up?

Toothy Tile’s celebrity friends gravely concerned about Toothy’s mental well-being

This is not a joke: Poor closeted movie star Toothy Tile, last caught pitifully fooling around with blow and broads, is more recently causing his friends to worry something fierce about his head.

And I don't mean the kind he prefers getting in West Hollywood parking lots.

As our beloved Mr. T's same-sex desires (and née partnership) have been cast as far back in the closet as Kevin Spacey appears to be, Toothy's extremely tight band of friends are fretting for the fella's emotional well-being?and rightfully so.

"We're wondering when he's going to crack," said one of the slightly lesser-inside chums to the notoriously private actor. "I keep hearing from everybody else that he's about to pop, but it's weird, whenever I see him, he acts like everything's cool. I think he only shows that side of himself to a couple of people."

And those people are telling other people who are telling me:

• Toothy's current and arranged girlfriend is starting to "really get on his nerves," particularly when she cleans up after Toothy, who's apparently a bit of a clumsy eater.
• Toothy's getting fed up with having to keep his (currently reinvented) relationship with Grey Goose in the dark and is threatening his publicists and hangers-on with outing both himself and Grey?which would then, ironically, ruin Grey's own beard relationship, not that anybody really cares, so never mind.
• Toothy's been heard complaining to his advisers that the Biz angle they've chosen for him is not exactly panning out, so "what has it been for?," as Toothy has cried.
• Toothy's so frustrated by being a nonperson, as it were (and how he deems it, quite unlike many other fellow Hollywood celebs who are perfectly happy to sell their empty souls to the tabloid devil), he's become unnaturally obsessed with his abs, a subject years prior, when he was happier with Grey, he didn't give an ef about.

Toothy, Toothy, Toothy!

Please give up this hideous fake life while you can?and before you turn into one of these six-packed prima donnas who have about as much to say in life as does Kristin Cavallari. We know the real Toothy's dying to come out.

Let him!

(Hey, Neil Patrick Harris still has an OK gig, ya know).

It Ain't: Kevin Spacey, Bradley Cooper, Robert Pattinson