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ABC/KELSEY MCNEAL

OK, we understand Mark Ballas and Derek Hough are totally into the whole music thing.

But they must know that we know from watching Britney, Paula and other pop-music makers that, if you're doing a taxing dance routine while performing live, you're probably not doing a whole lot of actual singing.

As we said, the Ballas Hough Band made a rousing Dancing With the Stars debut. We assume their song had words under all the spectacle.

Otherwise, Tuesday's show was another of those tense affairs, with two celebs headed for the door and everyone forced to prepare a dance-off-worthy routine just in case.

So there was Donny Osmond in his green sparkly jacket and Kelly Osbourne in her hot pink and leather...

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Ecstatic screams and fluttering hearts translate the same in any language.

"Thank you all so much for coming," Robert Pattinson told a crowd of adoring fans in Tokyo, his latest stop on the whirlwind New Moon publicity tour.

"It's always really surprising, whenever we go anywhere in the world, there seems to be so many people everywhere who are just as passionate...It's always just amazing to find that out."

You'd think the British über-heartthrob would be used to it by now.

The largely female crowd started lining up hours ahead of time for Rob's appearance at Shinigawa Intercity Hall, where the ambiguously attached vampire portrayer took questions from the audience—which was instructed beforehand not to inquire about his personal life.

Yet the Edward-lovers found stuff to ask him, maybe about the movie or whatever. New Moon director Chris Weitz was also on-hand for the Q&A session and to take pictures afterward, as was Japanese pop star Miliyah Kato, whose song "Destiny" has been heard in some of the film's trailers.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, Bella and Jacob held court...

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ABC/TIM OGIER

It's months away, but the Oscars are already Rocking our world.

In the latest effort to return Hollywood's biggest night to must-see-TV status, the powers that be have tapped Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin to cohost the 82nd Annual Academy Awards next year.

"I am happy to co-host the Oscars with my enemy Alec Baldwin," Martin, who hosted the ceremony solo in 2000 and 2002, said in a statement.

"I don't play the banjo but I'm thrilled to be hosting the Oscars—it's the opportunity of a lifetime," added Baldwin, a veteran movie star and past nominee who just collected his second straight Emmy for being freakin' hilarious on 30 Rock.

Our sides are hurting already. 

"Steve will bring the experience of having hosted the show in the past and Alec will be a completely fresh personality for this event," first-time Oscar producer Adam Shankman said. (And we're thinking the prescient Mark Malkin deserves some kudos, as well.)

Douglas Healey/Getty Images

How's Jon & Kate Minus Jon working out for TLC? Why is Kate Hudson's boyfriend spreading his wings? And did Heroes just suck you in again?

The answers—and more questions—in the latest TV ratings quiz:

1. Can Kate Gosselin compete with Jon & Kate? Yes. And she can outdo it, too. Last week's Kate-only episode, "You Ask, Kate Answers," was 50 percent bigger, audience-wise, than the previous week's joint-custody adventure.

2. What is the Centaur Effect? On Friday, Us Weekly reported that Alex Rodriguez owned two paintings of himself as a half-man, half-horse. On Sunday, the World Series, featuring Rodriguez's New York Yankees, galloped off with nearly 23 million viewers, TV's No. 1 show of the week, and the fall classic's most watched contest in five years.

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Denise Truscello / Getty Images

Let's be honest—both Carrie Prejean and the Miss California pageant belong in a ballroom rather than a courthouse.

So it stands to reason that the battling beauty peeps managed to settle their differences out of court. Terms of the settement were not disclosed but all parties seemed happy about it.

"Carrie Prejean, [pageant director] Keith Lewis, and K2 productions [the independent pageant producers] have dropped their claim against each other and wish each other the best in their future endeavors," according to the official settlement statement.

In other words, the smackdown that began with a roar, ended with a whimper...

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Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images; Jason Merritt/Getty Images; Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images; Dominique Charriau/Getty Images; Michael Williams/startraksphoto.com

Crime may not pay, but it sure can comp you some priceless merchandise. Until you're caught, that is.

According to newly released documents detailing the spoils of the search warrants targeting the celeb-obsessed pals who allegedly ripped off Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Orlando Bloom, Megan Fox, Rachel Bilson, Audrina Patridge, Ashley Tisdale and Brian Austin Green, the so-called Hollywood Burglar Bunch certainly knew how to get the most out of their home invasions.

Police managed to recover all manner of jewelry, designer goods and, as no ill-thought-out crime ring is complete without them, drugs and guns. The goods were retrieved in raids carried out Oct. 22.

Now get a load of this haul:

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Chris Weeks/ Getty Images; City of Orange Police Department

For the time being, Ryan Seacrest's alleged stalker will remain just that: alleged.

Chidi Uzomah Jr. pleaded not guilty this morning to one count of felony stalking and two misdemeanor counts of violating a court order to maintain a Seacrest-free perimeter in the wake of last Friday's surprise stop-by at E! HQ.

Uzomah did not speak during the arraignment, leaving his public defender to enter the plea. He's due to reappear for his preliminary hearing on Nov. 16.

In the meantime, however, Seacrest's attorney Blair Berk came through on her promise to get a "much more comprehensive" criminal protective order against Uzomah.

Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Donald Kennedy ordered the 25-year-old Army reservist to surrender all firearms within 24 hours of his release (which shows no signs of coming soon); and, effective immediately, he is not to harass, contact or otherwise come within 500 yards of Seacrest or his places of employment for the next three years.

Uzomah has not yet posted his $150,000 bail and remains in police custody. As a result, he appeared in court behind a protective clear glass barrier.

The 25-year-old Army reservist (as expected, Uncle Sam is not exactly thrilled with that affiliation) has been on probation since his switchblade-wielding attack on one of Seacrest's security guards last month. He pleaded guilty to assault, battery and possession of said weapon in the incident.

If convicted on all three new counts, he could face up to four years in prison.

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Get caught up on Ryan's scary saga.

ABC; AP Photo/Will Powers

The Balloongate case appears to be in a holding pattern.

A spokeswoman for the Larimer County (Colo.) district attorney tells E! News exclusively that there was not enough evidence submitted by the sheriff's department to formally press criminal charges against Balloon Boy parents Richard and Mayumi Heene for tricking the world into believing their 6-year-old son was whisked away on a homemade flying saucer.

"They did bring [the report] over a week ago and we asked for additional reports and information," says D.A. spokeswoman Linda Jensen. "We’re waiting for that from the sheriff's Office before we make a final charging decision."

Jensen says she expects the new information "by the end of the week."

Apparently the D.A. needs more than Mayumi's apparent confession to bring down the hammer?

Previously, Sheriff Jim Alderden said he expects Richard and Mayumi to be face counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor, attempting to influence a public servant and conspiracy.

While they're at it, how about adding a count or two for trying to foist Boxter on us?

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Twitter

Last night was Kate Gosselin's turn to speak and pause for dramatic effect get choked up. And, because there's no way she could have the last word for more than a few hours, now it's Jon Gosselin's turn.

This time the word is "lieing." It reminds us of the time he misspelled his own name on a huge sign threatening some sort of "penelty" to trespassers at his home.

Of course, he takes a break from his current apology tour and starts today with a Twitter update that appears innocent enough. However, thanks to an extended tweet program, looks can be deceiving.

"Got up early this morning took Mady and Cara to the bus, Came home to then hug my other 6 little morsels," he begins. That's almost all you can see in the basic version but, if you dare click that ellipses-like link, you've got some of Papa G's patented spell check-defying bitterness in store. He takes on ex-GF Hailey Glassman and then lays into Kate.

Prepare for the sweet to get increasingly salty.

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Jun Sato/WireImage.com

Apparently, it's time.

Since Rihanna's horrific altercation with then-boyfriend Chris Brown in February, the "Umbrella" singer may not have kept a low profile, but she certainly has not been talking.

Until now. Today marks the first we're hearing from her on the situation, whether in snippets from her interviews with Diane Sawyer and Glamour magazine, or in her music video for "Russian Roulette," her first single from Rated R.

The star is set to appear on Good Morning America on Thursday and Friday mornings and 20/20 Friday night, but her first quote has just been released.

"This happened to me…it can happen to anyone," she tells Sawyer. "He was definitely my first big love."

Of that fateful night, the 21-year-old tells Glamour, "I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears. That was the level of media chaos that happened the next day."

Eight months later, and she's already looking on the bright side of the whole scandal.

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Luca Ghidoni/Getty Images

George Clooney is making a Sideways move. The creator of Sideways, meanwhile, is making a George Clooney move.

The star is teaming up with Sideways' Oscar-winning writer-director Alexander Payne for The Descendants, a no doubt Academy-baiting dramedy due out in 2010.

Per Variety, the film (Payne's first since 2004's wine-soaked statue collector) will follow a wealthy landowner who, in attempt to keep his family together, picks up sticks with his two daughters on a quest to find his wife's new lover.

The hard part will be getting the audience to believe anyone would leave Clooney in the first place.

Cameras roll this February in Hawaii (it's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it).

Meanwhile, honing his craft in a much less idyllic locale is Owen Wilson, who's looking to reprise his dog-day success of Marley & Me by voicing the titular canine Marmaduke in Fox's live-action/CGI adaptation of the long-running comic strip.

The film, which also features the pipes of Fergie, Steve Coogan, George Lopez, Damon and Marlon Wayans, is due out next June.

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Check out other big-screen movers and shakers in our Casting Couch gallery.