Bitch-Back! Does Anyone Have Dirt on Ellen Page?

Readers think the laid-back babe is getting off goss-free

Dear Ted:
What's the deal with Ellen Page. You hinted not too long ago that she and Joseph Gordon-Levitt would pretty much never get together. I always thought that she was bisexual after that Saturday Night Live skit she did two years ago. She's one of the few actresses that I can't seem to get a lot of gossip on. Thanks!
—Ashley

Dear Paging Dr. Dish:
You don't hear much gossip on this Indie gal because there isn't any. Not to say that she doesn't have any secrets, she sure does, but they're nothing that would exactly shock anyone. As for her and JGL, we'll they're more pal potential than romance for no other reason than a lack of offscreen chemistry.

Dear Ted:
It's getting harder and harder to take anything you say on your B.V.s seriously, since you contradict yourself so many times—it's like you can't even keep track of the stuff you make up. Crotch Uh-Lastic, for that matter. In his second B.V. you said Crotch was doing just like Toothy and selling his fauxmance to the media. Now, you say Crotch doesn't play the beard game. So, which one is it? Maybe you're saying that he used to have a beard but decided not to do that anymore? So can we assume Crotch doesn't have a (fake or not) GF right now? I hope you can explain that. Otherwise, I'll just take that you are full of BS, after all, and I've been naive all this time.
—Losing Faith

Dear Jump The Gun:
Calm down, babe. Don't you know everything is more complicated when it comes to these homo-lovin' hunks (especially Crotchy for that matter). See, if you're getting technical, then Crotch does indeed play the bearding game, but not like Toothy—at least not anymore. Gone are the days of CUL pimping out his pretty other half. Instead, he's more than happy for everyone to think he is completely single, which a lot of people actually do. I don't consider that "playing the beard game." At least, not well.

Dear Ted:
Can you please tell me, does Buella Bland play a vampire, human or witch on her hit show? Love!
—TW

Dear Type Cast:
Human, of course. What makes you to think this boring be-yotch is mixed up in any supernatural shenanigans?

Dear Ted:
Love you and Team Awful. I never miss your Bitch-Backs and this topic is a bit different than the usual. Did you catch Clay Aiken's recent PBS concert? I was very impressed by the whole show and had forgotten what an amazing voice that boy has. What are your thoughts on Clay?
—Closet Claymate

Dear Aiken for Love:
Sorry, sweets, just don't share your devotion to the boy. Great voice, but I've found Clay rather humorless in his rise to fame. Bit bitchy for my taste.

Dear Ted:
Your story about Rob and Kristen and the papz "carry on" got me wondering: How does this not happen more often? I'm assuming stars fly first class, but how do they keep fans or wayward paparazzi from taking photos of them throughout the whole flight (thus ruining the flight for them)?
—j

Dear Mile-High Club:
'Cause most people, surprisingly, have a bit of dignity and don't go photographing celebs while they're snoozing on the red eye. Guess that's not-so-true anymore, huh? Not so surprising then that celebs are big fans of private jets.

Dear Ted:
I am a married mother of two from Virginia, and you are a gay man living in Los Angeles, yet I think we are soul mates. I love all things Robsten; I am completely obsessed with True Blood and then you posted something so randomly about one of my favorites, Rachel McAdams. My rescue kitties, Jake and Zoe, love your stuff. Keep up the good work!
—Arlene

Dear Star Crossed:
Kisses to you, your kitties and your hubby, too. He's a lucky guy to have a wife with such good taste.

Dear Ted:
I've followed you the past two years, and I'm so happy you can finally tell all the Robsten nonbelievers to suck it. After seeing the pictures of them making out and Tom Sturridge idly standing by I have to wonder, do I smell a Daffleck (Matt Damon and Ben Affleck?) bromance!? These delicious boys and K.Stew are always together, and I can't get enough of it!
—Texas Girl

Dear Boys Only:
Duh, doll! Where the heck have you been? If anyone knows anything about TomStu it's that he and Rob are BFFs. But uh, if R.Pattz is Ben and Tommy is Matt...that makes Kristen Jennifer Garner? That's not very nice, Tex!

Dear Ted:
After reading a recent Bitch-Back, I got to thinking about Lindsay Lohan, which led to thinking about Dina Lohan. Which leads me to the question...how come we have never once seen Dina on a date, or in a relationship with a significant other? Did being with Michael Lohan sour her on men forever?
—Brandon

Dear All A-Lohan:
Because fame whoring, enabling your daughter, trying to mooch freebies and gabbing to any media outlet that will have you kind of limits any possible dating time.

Dear Ted:
I know Toothy Tile won't come out any time soon but I just want him and Grey Goose to come out and live their actual life. I was wondering who do you think has the possibility of coming out sooner: Toothy Tile or Grey Goose?
—Sandy

Dear Come Out Come Out:
You're telling me, Sandy. Believe it or not I've grown quite attached to Toothy over the years and would love it if he would come out and live his life the way that I know he's dying to. As for who'd come out first, it actually would be T2 these days. How about that?

Dear Ted:
Since Judas Jack-Off's and Dashed Dingle Dream's beards are currently co-starring in their Blind Vices, would you please give each of them their own Blind Vice moniker?
—Jules

Dear All Monikered Out:
Not yet, J. Let's wait until they do something truly Vice worthy, shall we? But if it helps I'm sure that days is not too far off in the future.

Dear Ted:
I just saw that Kim Kardashian is listed as an executive producer on The Spin Crowd. What does that even mean when a celeb is listed with an exec. producer title? They can't really be doing that much behind the scenes.
—KT

Dear HBIC:
"Exec producer" can mean a lot of things. Sometimes it just means that a person invested money (and their famous name, no doubt) in order to get the project some much-needed buzz. And while Kimmy K. definitely fulfills both these roles, she's also been much more involved in the creation of the show.

Dear Ted:
When Nevis Divine, his GF and his BF are all together in the same city...who do you think usually ends up with Nevis behind closed doors? I can only assume he's generally with his girl when the paps are around. But who lights his fire more when the shutterbugs aren't privy?
—Hannah

Dear Bi the Bi:
Well, when that happens it's kind of split. Nev has done the nasty with both, of course, and picks depending on his mood. We totally root for Barrington though; they're so adorable together! Not sure how much bedroom time he's been banking with either though, of late.

Dear Ted:
For all that is Holy, can you please stop dancing around the "marriage" issue for Rob and Kristen. Just say, "They are not married." Every time you answer indirectly, you perpetuate the fantasy. Saying, "a marriage isn't happening any time soon" just means "it already happened" (in secret) to some people. You will still get plenty of hits. I promise!
—Stop the Spin

Dear Delusional:
Um, doll, I haven't danced around this subject at all. I told you all that they are not married and have no plans to get married anytime soon. How my words get warped in the boards is a whole different business, but anyone who thinks Robsten is headed down the aisle is cuckoo crazy.

Dear Ted:
How lucky do you think we have to be to get a Breaking Dawn cover for Rolling Stone like True Blood?
—M

Dear Delusional Part 2:
Better cut out Rob, Kris and Taylor's faces and tape them over the True Blood stars, 'cause that's the only way you'll nab that cover...or anything like it.