Bitch-Back! Angie's Arctic Attitude

The dirty deets on a nasty Brangelina encounter and Simon Monjack’s ridiculous lawsuit

By Ted Casablanca Feb 01, 2010 3:30 PMTags
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Dear Ted:
My family and I had the misfortune of running into Brad and Angie two years ago in New Orleans. It was a few days before Christmas and they were alone having drinks at the same place as us. We were the only people there and did not fuss over them, but Angie kept giving us death stares and when Brad was talking, she completely ignored him. She looked like she was on heroin or somethingso gaunt and skinnyand Brad looked sort of chubby and old. They gave me the creeps. My husband, who has seen a lot in the military, said that it was the most uncomfortable situation he's ever been in! Angie seemed so cold, and at that point I lost all respect for her.
—Mira

Dear Brangie-Buster:
Angie has always come off as an ice queen so I'm not surprised the December weather wasn't the only thing that was...chilly. And if the once ripe couple was already starting to sour years ago, it would explain why they look so totally miserable now.

Dear Ted:
What do you think about Simon Monjack's decision to sue Warner Bros. for Brittany Murphy's death? I think her passing was very sad, but, blaming a studio because they didn't employ her seems like a frivolous lawsuit to me. Maybe he's just doing some broken-hearted ranting? Or is it a publicity ploy?
—Polly

Dear Law & Order:
Brittany's death was super sad, but I think broken-hearted has less to do with Simon's lawsuit than does broken bank account.

Dear Ted:
With respect to careers, powerful contacts, and Hollywood community support, who would come out on top in the event of a break up: Fake à la Ferocity or her partner?
—Chicka

Dear Great Question:
The one who's already on top: Fake à la.

Dear Ted:
Do you have kids? You definitely should consider sowing your seeds. You're kinda of cute and charming. We need more "Teds" in the world. Families come in all shapes and forms. Just a thought.
—Gabby

Dear Kinda:
One Ted is enough. But, thanks.

Dear Ted:
I noticed Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling seemed very close at the Sundance Film Festival. It seems like they might have a "close bond" (if you know what I mean). Any chance we will see these guys in some PDA moments in the future? I've always been a big fan of McGosling but, I don't know, I really like the idea of Michelle and Ryan together. Please dish!
—J

Dear Pro-PDA:
I wouldn't be surprised if paparazzi photos of the oh-so-sexy duo snuggling up surfaced in the future, but if you're hoping Michelle will become the new Rachel, I wouldn't hold your breath. I'd hate for you to, you know, suffocate.

Dear Ted:
Love you. Is Nelly Fang Jamie Campbell Bower? He strikes me as rather Mick Jaggery.
—Carrie

Dear Biting Back:
While debatably Mick Jaggery, the newest Twilight vamp just doesn't fit Nelly's fangs.

Dear Ted:
What's your take on the kiss-and-grope incident with Gerard Butler and a street performer? Just a stunt to get Aniston's PR flacks off his case, or is that typical Butler behavior? If so, he is as much of a dawg as you've been saying.
—Temp

Dear Who Let The Dog Out:
Hairy Gerard getting skeezing with some random chick? Sounds on the nose to me. Woof.

Dear Ted:
In my opinion, if Rob really isn't cut out for this acting business, he should pursue his music career. He sings really well and he already has a solid fan base. What do you think? I totally see him more as a smoldering musician than a so-so actor.
—Liv

Dear Rockstar Rob:
R.P. would have a solid fan base if he just sat around and read Craigslist. But while Rob could so totally pull off the moody musician vibe, I wouldn't count out acting just yet. I hear he's pretty bitchin' in his next movie, Remember Me.

Dear Ted:
Now that Brangelina is imploding, what will happen with Angie's "mystery diet"?
—V

Dear Jenny Craig:
I've called Angie many things—a manipulator and a man-stealer come to mind—but she's not a bad mom, let's remember that right up front. Which, hopefully, includes not teaching her cubs all those wild-berry diets she's on, which aren't going anywhere, trust.

Dear Ted:
I read your article about Rob and Kristen and their acting. I think that it's messed up to put them in competition with one another. You know they read your column (or at least their people do)your going to hurt one of their feelings.
—ML

Dear Oversensitive:
Don't worry about a war starting between Robsten, both are confident in their acting careers. I was looking at how well they'll independently survive post-Twilight phenomenon, and, from the looks of it, neither should worry too much.

Dear Ted:
All this talk about Hollywood's gay men and their "bearding" wives has got me thinking: if these couples have kids (and I'm assuming most of them do), were they produced naturally or through artificial insemination? Also, if these closeted guys are having kids to prove how hetero they are, they must be pretty lousy dads, no?
—Kristen

Dear Birds and the Bees:
The phrase "turkey baster" comes to mind, but, hey, maybe some of these downlow daddies just closed their eyes and hoped for the best. And don't write them off as bad parents just yet. Just because they're not into their baby mamas doesn't mean they aren't Father of the Year material.

Dear Ted:
Are Selena Gomez and Nick Jonas ever going to admit that they are actually dating, or are they going to go with the so 2008 "we're just good friends" story? Bor-ing.
—Mia

Dear Disney Dirt:
Not as long as Miley's in the picture.

Dear Ted:
Is Nelly Fang a he or a she? I just stumbled upon this B.V. and would love another hint. BTW, thanks for your support of Kristin Stewart! While she was a bit fidgety at Sundance (as usual), she was also funny. Maybe she had to go to the bathroom?
—Jen

Dear Pronoun Confused:
This hunky vampire is definitely a he, as are his many secret conquests in the forests.

Dear Ted:
Has Chris Pine or Zachary Quinto ever been the subjects of a Blind Vice? Perhaps Toothy Tile and Grey Goose?
—Marissa

Dear Beam Me Up:
Perhaps not. Although, I think Pine and Quinto would make a hot, hot, hot couple and Star Trek could be a lot more interesting with a little captain/alien loving.

Dear Ted:
Last night I watched Into The Wild and didn't even recognize Kristen Stewart. She looked prettier, healthier and happier. And her acting was great (unlike in Twilight). Is it just me, or is K.Stew not into blockbusters?
—Mary

Dear Indie Fan:
While K.Stew has always shined a little brighter in her smaller films, I wouldn't blame her completely for Twilight or New Moon. An actor can only bring so much to a mediocre script, right?

Dear Ted: 
As a long-time reader, I know that you're very careful about what you say and imply, so naturally I twigged quite heavily when you referred to Disney getting more "incestual" in a recent Bitch-Back. Given that there are dozens of other ways you might have chosen to phrase this, I've started to think the term was used deliberately. It's an icky suggestion and based purely on speculation from your wording, but is one of the "many reasons" Joe Jonas isn't up to anything with Hilary Duff because he's...keeping it in the family? Weirded out and hopeful I'm interpreting you wrong.
—Enid

Dear Flowers In The Attic:
Not only are we not on the same page, but you're in a whole different book.

Dear Ted:
Just saw a candid picture of Nicole Kidman at an Artists for Peace and Justice event in Beverly Hills and she looked...normal. And very, very pretty. Is it possible her stylist and makeup artist are the ones making her look like the wicked witch in Snow White, and that when left to her own she's less frozen and more natural?
—X

Dear Sweetheart:
Excuse me? Nic looked like she'd just rolled out of bed! Either she looks completely scruffy or totally stoic. Ms. K sorely needs to find some less pained middle ground.

_________

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