The Awful Truth

Jason Merritt/Getty Images, Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
You say Sean Penn is pathetic, but what about David Duchovny? He's as pathetic, even more pathetic that Penn, I'd say. He's stupid for not setting up with Gillian Anderson and coming back to Téa Leoni instead. I can't believe he's into that fake marriage again. I thought he was getting a divorce? I was starting to admire him again when I read your stuff about Gillovny. I totally think Gillian and David make a great couple and they do love each other for real. I'm tired of the same David and Téa s--t again. Their attitude cannot be good for their kids.
—Cris

Dear Old Habits Die Hard:
You're right, David and Sean are both pretty damn slimy. This is what makes other guys out there think it's totally acceptable to step out on a wife or girlfriend, 'cause they are always taken back! Women do the same and they're sluts.  

Dear Ted:
Will Earth actually stop rotating if there is one day without Twilight and overrated Robert Pattinson posts? Try it and let's see!
—In the dark about that whole Twilight thing

Dear New Gloom:
The world might not stop, but my inbox would overflow. Give Twi a chance—it's way more fun than any Lindsay, Paris or Jessica Simpson shenanigans. Don't you agree? 

Dear Ted:
Three questions actually: (1) You have used the word "fiery" to describe Robsten on two separate occasions since your Fourth of July post. Are you hinting that Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart actually did have a secret rendezvous that weekend? (2) You have alluded to R.P. and K.S. having "dating rules." Do they really, and what are they? (3) How much drama and secret controversy can a 19-year-old and 23-year-old who have been dating for less than six months (or so) have? Can you spill at least one thing? Thanks. P.S.: My daughter and I will be picking up an orangey-cinnamon tabby at the local shelter tomorrow. He is missing one ear and has several scars where fur will never grow. We fell in love with him the minute we saw him. I am naming him Teddy. Thanks.
—Ann

Dear Three's Company:
First things first, love that you're getting your cat at a shelter. Bravo. As for all of the Robsten info. What 23- and 19-year-olds don't have tons of drama? Think back to when you were that age. Liking a guy never goes totally smoothly. There are always other girls trying to get in the way. Robsten just brilliantly tries to keep how they work through it out of the media.

Dear Ted:
What do you know about the Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo breakup? She is starting to look like the new Jennifer Aniston. Also, was Jessica ever a Blind Vice? Love ya!
—Jessica, N.Y.

Dear Do I Have To:
Jess bores me to tears. I don't suspect foul play in the breakup. Just that they've been over each other for a while and were forcing it. But it is funny that her and her ex-hubby's, Nick Lachey, split went down superclose together. Rekindled romance anyone? But yes, Jess has been in a Blind Vice. 

Dear Ted:
Seriously, Kathy Griffin and Paris Hilton need to fire their stylists...better yet, have them shot. I can't decide what's worse: barfed-up birthday cake topped off with a mob of red yarn or a bleached blond, 1970s version of Pocahontas! Alert the fashion police. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
–H 

Dear One Griffin, One Gross:
Oh, please. You don't think Kathy herself finds her outfit hysterical? She's always in on her own jokes. Paris, on the other hand, has been a caboosewreck since day one, so no surprises in those Jimmy Choos. 

Dear Ted:
I just want to say I just love your Truth, Lies & Ted Teditorials. You create so much humor to the juicy gossip. Thanks for making the gossip so interesting. Just love it!
–Monifa 

Dear Ain't It the Best?
Thanks, babe. And thank (certain) celebs for making the gossip so damn juicy to begin with.

Dear Ted:
Just wondering if Nevis Divine is none other than Stephen Moyer? Or perhaps Zac Efron, who admits using makeup both onscreen and off? Hope you'll confirm if either is N.D.
–Mary 

Dear Devilish Divine:
Think younger and more in-your-face good-looking than Stephen. 

Dear Ted:
A lot of people have been wondering about Penn Badgley's new body! He's so buff now, from skinny in season one to buff in season three (not complaining). Is he casting for any new movies? I'm sick and tired hearing about Blake Lively all the time; Penn is pretty good and underrated to me. So any news on him?
–Kelldanny 

Dear the Beautiful Badge:
What's to wonder?! He's probably just trying to catch up to his buffer (albeit more effeminate) costar.

Dear Ted:
I know she's known more for partying 24 hours a day than for being an actress, but she has managed to squeeze in reality shows and movie gems like House of Wax...Is Emma Uh-Oh Paris Hilton?
–Maebe B., N.Y., N.Y.

Dear Hiltonian:
Nope, but you can bet that Paris is the subject of another B.V. altogether. Often. 

Dear Ted:
Has Emilie de Ravin ever been the subject of, or can she be linked to or associated with, any Blind Vice(s)?
–K.L.

Dear Sneaky:
What do you mean by linked? 

Dear Ted:
Just wanted to ask if you know anything about Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears? If they are still friends, do they still talk?
–Taffina 

Dear Mouseketeer:
Besides the fact that they were awesome together? Nick Jonas and Miley Cyrus in the making, for sure. B and J are each doing their own thing, of course, and if I were you, I would use the friend term loosely. Justin is a  holder, if you haven't been able to tell by the countless Brit-inspired songs. 

Dear Ted:
Is Nevis Divine Ryan Kwanten by chance?
–Misyol 

Dear Bloodthirsty:
Such a delicious thought, and close you are, but Nevis isn't that ripped. 

Dear Ted:
The confirmation on how hot Breaking Dawn will be just made my day. I can't wait!
–Sandripaty 

Dear Day of the Dawn:
If you're excited now, I can't imagine how happy you'll be when you see the first promo shot! 

Dear Ted:
Who is dressing Rob's costar Emilie? Rob? Every picture I see of her she seems to have the Kristen Stewart look. Today her pictures even have her T-shirt knotted. Kristen is always getting slammed for her style. I don't get it! Thanks for listening.
–MO 

Dear Settle Down, Children:
I know what you're getting at, so I'm going to shut you down right now: No, Emilie is not trying to steal Rob. Those rumors are so two months ago. As for the wardrobe, I think most of it is just for her character. 

Dear Ted:
Really didn't like Brokeback Mountain? I love it, and I'm not gay. Beautifully acted and directed. I'm definitely going to see Brüno now. Thanks, dude.
–Ornetari 

Dear to Each His Own:
If you're into that kinda stuff, go for it. 

Dear Ted:
Is Finnegan Furrow-Brow Rob Pattinson?
–Chaver 

Dear Who's Got the Herp?
Ew. No! 

Dear Ted:
How many celebrity, totally hetero couples adopt children? Or is adopting all those kids a way of making a couple look hetero?
–Jdw

Dear H'wood Hoax:
Believe it or not, some people would even use their children as publicity stunts to give off the appearance of het happiness. Sad, but it's oh so Tinsel Town true. 

Dear Ted:
Seeing James McAvoy suggested (and nixed) as Nevis Divine made me wonder—has he ever been a Blind Vice? I hope not—unless his vice is that he is really nice and talented? Thanks!
–Jmpurtell

Dear Wanted:
I don't think I nixed any of those guys, officially. But no, sexy James has not been a Blind Vice. 

Dear Ted:
I just wanted to say I'm a huge fan, despite the fact you are making me very unpopular among my female friends. You see, they can't believe how many Hollywood hunks seem to be in closet. You mentioned that Bradley Cooper has his own B.V.—please tell me and my dwindling circle of friends that our latest celeb crush du jour is not batting for the other side?
–Loulu xx 

Dear Blind Bradley:
What makes you wonder, love bucket?