We're gonna apologize in advance for posting these pics of Paris and Doug just a few pieces of fabric away from doin' the nasty right before your bleeding eyes. But we just couldn't help ourselves.

You see, P & D are still in Cannes, taking their PDA show on the road and profusely rubbing it in all our pupils. You know what's feeding this, don't you? Everyone's watch our darling Rob Pattinson instead of Pare-poo…

So this is the quasi-graphic result. I mean, it's too much, really, First, Paris pretends she doesn't know who in the world heartthrob leader R. Pattz is, and now she's just trying to take everybody's panting eyes off the far fresher headliner! What a dirty girl, indeed.

Now, if there were a live stage version of Paris' sex tape, this would be the dress rehearsal, gotta say. Any alleged sexiness that could have transpired between these two totally goes out the window with the cheesy sloppiness the spoiled brats seep out of their pores. Parey must be making up for all that lost time she spent dating Benji, cooking dinner, making herself less of a sleazy, dancing punch line. Doug's excuse? Doesn't need one!

What did the French ever do to you, Pare, to deserve this peep show? The country gave you your name! Have some respect!

—Additional reporting by Becky Bain