The Awful Truth

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Dear Ted:
The story about David and Téa on vacations is false. There was a sighting of Téa shopping in a store in N.Y. last March 20, and the week before, there were pics of David walking in N.Y. and of Téa coming out of a bar in L.A. So there's no way they could be on vacations in a Caribbean island for a week as Perez assures. I don't know who gave him the information, but I think Téa has something to do with that story. All the lies lead to the truth.
—moorecris

Dear Duchovny Watch:
And that truth is that this is the most exciting thing to happen to Téa Leoni's career since, I don't know, it began! Her performances should be so full of mystery. I think you're def onto something.

Dear Ted:
Is Schlong Sleaze-Wad our beloved Will Smith? The B.V. does seem to fit him!
—Cathy , Texas

Dear Wicked Will?
Wrong Blind Vice. Right slippery dude.

Dear Ted:
Could it be that Octomom has a mental illness that she herself has not seen to taking care of? It seems that she believes in her own reality, which makes it very real to her. It may be hard for her to face, because she's not being very reasonable right now and thinks that people have conspiracies against her.
—sweetdetermination

Dear Octo-Brit:
Maybe she's got what Britney had? Does that mean there's hope for her yet?

Dear Ted:
Lowering Paula's dose or feeding her lines? I vote for latter. She never copies what Randy says anymore 'cause she's reading copy.
—Dean

Dear Ya Sure?:
Last we checked, Paula never said the word dawg.

Dear Ted:
Why is John Mayer such a douche?
—Susan

Dear Mayer McSleaze:
How much time have ya got?

Dear Ted: 
You need to say "what the ef is going on"? That's just so lame. Show a little class. And don't email me back with some sarcastic, prosaic, trite comment. R.J. Johnson Producer Prime-time shows have aired on PBS, Showtime, Bravo, NBC (synd.) etc.
—R.J. Johnson

Dear Irked Exec:
You're lucky I'm not printing that lame fight you had with my auto-reply, of all insipid things. What the ef, dude?

Dear Ted:
Could you please put your pathetic nosiness to work and find out what's going on between Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul? Those two are a little too touchy-feely to just be putting on a show for television. What's up?
—fayeniceville7

Dear Cowell Coupling:
You want me to do your snooping after calling me "pathetic"? Where are your manners?

Dear Ted:
Which rom-com sweetheart would you rather be trapped in an elevator with: Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock?
—Jason

Dear Sweetie:
How about Reese? I'm sure after being locked in for a few hours, she'd start to crack.

Dear Ted:
I have read stories about Nikki Reed and Rob Pattinson dating. I think it's true, just hush-hush. I know they think that the Twilight fans can't take the heartthrob having any kind of relationship, since he's stated in past interviews that he doesn't have a girlfriend. What do you think?
—JeralDean

Dear Reed 'n' Robbie?:
I think there's definitely a babe hiding in the wings. Not necessarily Nikki, either. In fact, I'm certain of it.

Dear Ted:
Reports are emerging that say Angelina is shutting Brad out emotionally. Are your predictions coming true, or are those reports bollocks?
—Augusta

Dear Getting the Kinks Out:
I will not, I repeat not, be happy when that sad ending prevails, as I said it would. And it will.

Dear Ted: 
Seth Rogen was on The Daily Show last night claiming that he lost weight by dieting and exercising. I am surprised that no one offered him coke. Any comments?
—cjc1

Dear Skinny Seth:
Maybe they didn't need to offer?

Dear Ted:
I love your little hints at a Rob-Kristen relationship or whatever it is. I'm beginning to think you're the only one who really knows what's going on anymore, and you give all the R and K shippers hope. Please tell us more goodness!
—gottaluvlafferty

Dear Twi-Lovers?
More to come, hon! Patience.

Dear Ted:
You keep alluding to the idea that Rob Pattinson has such a racy history. How could he—he's only 22! However, that causes me to ask you the same question about Rob that I asked a number of months back: Has Rob been a Blind Vice?
—Janie, Chicago

Dear Young Rebel:
Ever heard of Drew Barrymore? Babe was getting drunk and high before she could drive. Quite possible, hon. And the answer to your last query is affirmative.

Dear Ted:
I don't care what any of the tweens say, I never tire of a good "Rob Pattinson Smells" story. What do you think is the source of the odor? My theory isn't so much lack of showering as it is a normal-boy-stench, smoker, never-washes-clothes sort of odor. But in an effort to change the subject, let's stop debating if he smells and start debating on why he can't clean himself up in real life enough to look as good as he does on screen. There have to be some issues there, right?
—Krista

Dear Rob Reeks:
Do any celebs look better on the street than they do on camera? Besides Eva Longoria Parker?

Dear Ted:
I love ya more everyday! Anyway, what is up with the people coming to your gossip blog and then calling you a-hole, disgusting, yada yada yada? Yelling at you for you believing your sources. It is called gossip for a reason. I just don't understand the "high and mighty" public complaining about a site they, themselves came to visit, took the time to read and the time to comment on!
—D, Penn.

Dear Gossip Lover:
Thanks for the support, babe. I don't write CNN asking them to lighten up, do I?