Paranoid PicturesAre we getting Answer Bitch Oscar predictions? Thanks!
—Dena S. via Facebook
Of course. But let's not do winners. Winners and losers are boring.
There's a whole bloated pageant of singing and dancing and chummy ribbing and weepy montage, and I have quite a pair of crystal balls that have seen all that will go on during those endless hours:
So let's get started with my own Oscar ceremony predictions.
1. There will be a musical number and it will be awkward, and at least one of them will be dressed as the black swan, most likely James Franco.
2. There will also be at least two Facebook jokes, with at least one involving Mark Zuckerberg rejecting a celebrity's friend request.
3. The best actor categories will be taken by a young girl and an old guy.
4. That hoodie'd Exit Through the Gift Shop guy Banksy has been banned from showing up in disguise or taking the stage. Which means he is morally obligated to eff up the Oscars in any way possible.
5. Jake Gyllenhaal will talk to some girl during a commercial break, and by the next day the tabs will be reporting he is dating said girl. (Current odds are on Jennifer Lawrence, but this may change.)
6. Natalie Portman will not make the mistake of wearing another Viktor and Rolf.
7. Someone will bring The Crazy, perhaps Helena Bonham Carter, perhaps Christian Bale, but not both.
Need more awards season shenanigans? That's what my new podcast show is for!