HBOWriting out the best moments from Amy Schumer's HBO special is a weird task, because it's one thing to listen to Amy use all of the slang terms for "vagina," but it's another to type them out and publish them on the internet and say "look at how hilarious this joke was!"
It won't read well, and it will just be weirdly upsetting for the relatives who read everything we write, no matter what it's about.
At the same time, Amy Schumer's older-relative-unfriendly joke content is precisely the reason that she's the biggest comedian in the world right now. Women, just like all people, are disgusting, and it's been a hell of a long road to get to a place where we're allowed to admit it. We're still not totally there, but we're inching ever so closer to a universe in which openly carrying a tampon through the office on the way to the bathroom won't feel like you might as well be walking through the office completely naked and covered in mud.
Schumer's comedy often feels like it's a sort of battle cry for people all over the world to stop hiding what we perceive as flaws and just allow ourselves to be the disgusting, food-loving, occasional disease-having, skinny-fat, sexual-or-not beings that we truly are, and tonight was no exception.
In fact, her entire special was so incredibly relatable that we almost don't want to admit that it was relatable, because, you know, at one point she compared her vagina to the mouth of an old lounge singer smoking a cigarette. She even did an impression of that jazz singer. She also did an impression of the "jack-o-lantern with t-ts" that she apparently was in fifth grade when she lost her two front teeth and got her first period at the same time.
See what we mean? Relatable, but we don't need the entire world to know that.
So, here are all of the parts of this stand-up special we totally did not, in any way, relate to:
—The best reason to go to the movies is the popcorn, and getting a small popcorn is equivalent to "taking one Advil. That's like taking six Xanax."
—Urinary tract infections are stupidly embarrassing, as is ordering cranberry juice at a steakhouse.
—Diets are way too hard and food is way too good. (Definitely lost it at this portion of her trainer's suggested diet: "Put a peanut under your pillow and hope you dream about pizza.")
—"There is no faster response time in the world" than after being shown a waxing technician's handiwork. "It's like identifying a dead body."
—We would also only have a food-finding app on our phones if it weren't for Candy Crush and Netflix.
—It's totally easy to injure your neck while trying to open a jar of salsa con queso. We might add that it is equally easy to injure your neck by jumping in surprise when your pop tarts pop up in the toaster.
—People are gross, as are most of the things that come out of their bodies, but my, what perspective we now have after considering the origins of Oprah.
—Dating in your 20s is exactly like collecting beached fish right before a tsunami, probably. We might actually have to leave our couch once or twice a week if we want to find out for sure.
Aaand that is the end of the things we totally don't relate to, because all the rest of the jokes were even too much for us to pretend to not have nodded and laughed at, even while we blushed and thanked some sort of entity for the fact that our parents are a thousand miles away.
Apparently, Amy Schumer has successfully pushed the limits of both our sarcasm and our determination to push limits, while simultaneously making endless sex jokes seem incredibly casual (until we try to write them down).
She is a master of her very vulgar craft, and we bow down to her.
Oh, and we also learned one valuable piece of advice from this special: Do not take your mother to see Amy Schumer with you, but if you do, do not also volunteer to describe a vulgar sex act in front of the entire audience at the Apollo. We kinda hope that kid actually did get grounded.