We don't know about you guys, but this idea is so awesome that we're currently writing a TV series revolved it. Disney crossed with a courtroom drama? Starring Helen Mirren? We might as well just prepare our Emmy acceptance speech now.
But first, perhaps you'd like to understand what the hell we're talking about. Someone asked the lawyers of reddit how they would get the most famous Disney villains off if they were ever on trial for their crimes. So if Prince Eric hadn't, you know, impaled Ursula with a ship and merely took her to jail, what defense strategy would her lawyer use?
Thankfully, the lawyers of reddit jumped in to reveal their plans for keeping Scar, Hans and more Disney baddies out of jail. It's a good thing we got some answers because we needed lots more research for our TV Show, tentatively titled Beauty and the Bench.
Here are some of our favorites:
Case #145: Simba v. Scar
"Mufasa was killed by a stampeding herd of wildebeest. It was a tragedy, and our leader Scar mourned his brother's death before putting his personal pain aside to lead a nation that needed him. And now his nephew, who mysteriously ran off after his father's death, shows up and accuses him of foul play years later? A kid who has spent his life up until this point shirking all responsibility, living with a couple of deviants, and doing God knows what. This runaway, who has never held down a job mind you, suddenly can't get his fix so he comes home and starts making demands. When his loving uncle, Scar, refuses to just hand over everything and suggests that Simba enter a rehabilitation program all of a sudden he starts throwing around wild accusations. This case has no merit."
Case #890: Ursula v. Ariel
"Ursula made a contract with Ariel that had no clause saying that Ursula was not allowed to interfere. The contract stated that she had to get Eric to fall in love with her without her voice, she failed, and she has to pay the price for her failure. It's not Ursula's fault Ariel doesn't put things by a lawyer before she signs them."
Case #456-9: Prince Hans v. Queen Elsa
"Prince Hans' attempted assassination of Queen Elsa was carried out on behalf of the nation of Arendelle, which would almost certainly have suffered tremendous loss of life and a devastating economic downturn had the winter gone on any longer."
Case #008: Captain Hook v. Peter Pan
"Captain Hook was provoked by Mr. Pan. His hand being fed to a crocodile and forever haunted by the ticking of said crocodile who proceeded to stalk him for years caused an understandable hole in my clients reasoning. Peter Pan and his "lost boys" victimized my clients for years before he finally lashed out in self defense."
Case #35: Mowgli v. Shere Khan
"While the violent intruder, who goes by the savage name "mowgli", endangered the security and peace of the entire jungle, as he brought a weapon of mass destruction, that by experts is known as "fire", into the sovereign territory of the jungle, my client, the noble and acknowledged Mister Shere Khan, was one of the few citizens to realize the potential threat caused by this unlawful human creature. Selflessly he fought the creature, while others were too lazy or driven by foolish and egoistic attempts to attain power through the human. My client should therefore be treated as a hero and the true villains should be punished according to the laws of the jungle. Meaning Mister Shere Khan should be granted the right to kill and eat them."
Case #102-4B: Gaston v. Beast
"He was a hunter by nature and there was a deadly beast in his village. He rightfully took a militia and attempted to seize the beast. Girl taken hostage, father taken hostage previous to her, the beats servants and maids were all essentially hostages. I mean I still feel for Gaston. If Belle didn't have that weird fetish this would make an awesome rescue story! Gaston would've called instead of showing up late at night with torches and pitchforks but he didn't know the phone number of the beast."
We've decided to cast The Simpson's Lionel Hutz as our main lawyer for the Disney villains to make this a courtroom dramedy.
Case closed.