Nintendo Just Hired Possibly the Worst Person Ever for a High-Ranking Position

Video game company announced that Doug Bowser is their new VP of Sales, which is a huge mistake, right?!

By Jenna Mullins May 20, 2015 5:01 PMTags
Nintendo logoROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images

Um, Nintendo? You might want to do a little background check on the new guy you just hired. Something tells us he might be planning something salacious.

The video game company announced on Wednesday that they have appointed a new Vice President of Sales. His name? Doug Bowser.

Nintendo hired Bowser.

So you brought on a guy who has the same name as the main villain from your most famous video game series? The dinosaur/lizard who kidnaps the princess every damn time and spends his days trying to set two plumber brothers on fire? Kidnapper, attempted murderer of your flagship character for over 30 years...that's the guy you went with, huh?

Business Wire/Nintendo

Already the Internet is suspicious, because if Nintendo is letting Bowser take over such a high-ranking position, it might already be too late to save the Mushroom Kingdom. Clearly this inside job has been in the works for a while. Just look at this menacing statement from the press release:

"Nintendo of America has hired a new Vice President to lead the United States sales organization with a name that's well-known in the Mushroom Kingdom. Effective today, Doug Bowser (no relation to the King Koopa and Mario's longtime nemesis) will oversee a variety of sales-related functions, including Sales, In-store Merchandising, Retail Strategy and Retail Marketing."

No relation? Yeah, right. That's what he wants us to believe.

Nintendo

Forget the fact that Doug Bowser (nice cover name by the way, Doug) is probably going to start tying Chain Chomps outside his office and will only take meetings with people who get past the Thwomps, but this is nepotism at its most disgraceful. How does anyone else at Nintendo stand a chance when Daddy Bowser is obviously pulling some strings?!

Nintendo, promise us that if your female employees start disappearing and if you see a turtle-looking fellow with glasses floating around on a cloud throwing Spinies down on brainstorming meetings that you'll take a good, hard look at Doug Bowser. Because, psssst, it's probably him who is trying to take over your "castle" to build a giant, flying pirate ship with multiple cannons.

What's next, Nintendo? Paul Ganondorf hired as Executive Director in Charge of Finance? Because HR needs to do a better job screening applicants. Or hire that real up and comer Chad Link to oversee Paul's day-to-day duties:

YouTube/Nintendo

Actually, just fire your HR team, Nintendo. This can't end well.